


The extremely ridiculous one-shot I’d been wishing for, but nobody wrote it, so I had to do it myself

by Lack_of_Common_Sense



Category: Gintama
Genre: Anal, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Demon Sex, Funny, Guilty Pleasures, Hell, How Do I Tag, Humor, I Don't Even Know, I Was Drunk When I Wrote This, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I wrote this over the span of two nights, Kissing, M/M, OOC, One Shot, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Porn, Ridiculous, Rough Sex, Sorry Not Sorry, What Have I Done, Wordcount: 1.000-5.000, creep-o-factor 4/10, density 0/10, no monster sex, yeah idek
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-06
Updated: 2020-06-06
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:21:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24563038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lack_of_Common_Sense/pseuds/Lack_of_Common_Sense
Summary: Hijikata-kun finds himself in Hell. Mistakenly, as it turns out. The demons have no reason to punish him, but they can't just let him go.(Demon!Gintoki x Hijikata)
Relationships: Hijikata Toshirou/Sakata Gintoki
Comments: 9
Kudos: 194





	The extremely ridiculous one-shot I’d been wishing for, but nobody wrote it, so I had to do it myself

It began when Hijikata Toshiro, to his misfortune, died in a car crash. He’d have thought that that was when everything _ended_.

He couldn’t have been more wrong.

There was a sharp flash of pain as he briefly felt his life slip away, and then darkness.

Then, he opened his eyes again. Immediately, he realised that he was naked.

There was a lot of noise, screaming, and metallic screeching and creaking; he could smell smoke, sulphur, burning hair, burning flesh, dirt, and probably a hint of piss. Most of his surroundings were red and ashen grey, and as he was eyeing the walls that _looked like_ they were, but most certainly were actually _not_ made of stone, he noticed spikes, and there was something _dripping_ down them, too. There were torches, and the fumes coming out of them were a dangerously toxic colour.

He tried to sit up, but found himself being unable to do so; his wrists and ankles were bound to the board beneath him, and there was a strap of metal around his neck as well as around his upper arms, one each. They weren’t cold, but Hijikata didn’t know if it was because they had warmed up while he was unconscious, or because this whole place was damn hot.

Looking at the situation he was in, he was forced to come to the only logical conclusion.

He was in Hell.

For _some_ reason.

He had not thought that Hell existed in the first place, but now he was being proven wrong in the worst possible way. Frowning, he tried to remember what he’d done so wrong as to end up here, but he couldn’t recall anything of significance. Of course, there were the minor things – like the candy he stole when he was seven, or the occasional lie, and maybe a broken heart or two… but none of that seemed to warrant Hell. The actual, proper, suffer-for-eternity kind of Hell.

He was never big on religion, so he didn’t even know how Hell worked, but he was certain that this place had nothing nice in store for him. Even so, despite all of that, he was not scared, and he did not know why. He thought he should be _extremely_ worried, scared, terrified of what was to come, but he felt none of that.

He waited.

For a while, nothing was happening. He’d have thought he’d see demons and hell-spawn just lining up to stab something sharp and rusty into him, but there was no-one around.

He began wondering if they forgot about him, but then finally, he heard the creak of a door behind him, and he tensed up a little.

A large threatening shadow entered his vision. It was a being the likes of which Hijikata had never seen, at least three times larger than Hijikata himself. It had fur with streaks of black and white, a pair of twisted horns on its head thick almost like Hijikata’s _thigh_ , and its face— _OhGODitsFACE—_

At a second glance, it did not seem nearly as bad, though, and Hijikata was calm again.

A large clawed hand covered his entire stomach and then some. The monster loomed over Hijikata, looking at him closely. Its gem-like eyes were burning with a red light.

The maw full of giant, crooked teeth which looked like they could snap a femur like a pocky stick opened, a string of saliva hanging between them. “Shall we start, Dokata-kun?” the demon bellowed in a voice so strong that it sent vibrations down Hijikata’s spine.

“Who?” Hijikata said.

The demon hesitated. “What’s your name?” it said.

“Hijikata Toshiro,” Hijikata replied. “Or, it _was_ until I died.”

The demon stepped away, and Hijikata could hear the rustling of paper. “Cause of death?”

“I think a truck hit me,” Hijikata replied. “I’m not sure.”

“Fuck.” The monster passed by Hijikata; as it did, Hijikata could see it from behind – spikes along the spine and the back of elbows, and a scaly tail, also ending with something sharp, now swishing about angrily. It kicked the wall with a thud, and a purplish, slimy… _something_ fell down, hanging onto the ceiling with a long appendage. The demon grabbed it in its enormous hand and squeezed it.

“Can I get someone from the upper management on the line?” it spoke into the slimy thing as though it were a phone. “I’d like to report a misfiled sinner.”

 _“Hold the line,”_ the slime spluttered.

The demon grunted, but waited for a moment.

Then, just a moment longer.

And a few more.

 _“This is █████████ from Level 8,”_ a different voice came finally through. _“State your name, your rank, your sector, and your complaint.”_

Hijikata blinked several times. When the upper management demon said its name, it was like a sword piercing Hijikata’s brain – he couldn’t understand, let alone pronounce it, and it hurt hearing it.

“This is ██████, Exec at the Felons’ department…” the demon glanced at Hijikata, who cried out in pain. It must have been because the name came unfiltered this time, but Hijikata could swear that it made his ears bleed. He couldn’t check, so he had to at least hope that the horrendous pain he felt now was going to subside soon.

The demon continued. “We had a mishap. In place of some old-blood pedo, it seems like I got a fresh kill… Could you check the files for a Hijikata Toshiro? Thank you.”

 _“Hold the line,”_ the slime made that noise again.

“Don’t worry, Hijikata-kun,” the demon said reassuringly, “we’ll find where you _really_ belong in a jiffy.”

Hijikata groaned. He was very surprised that he still did not feel a hint of fear, even though his head and ears hurt like – well, like Hell. The demon noticed it too, because it said after a while, “You don’t seem worried.”

To the best of his ability, Hijikata shrugged his shoulders.

 _“Hey, ██████?”_ the slime phone echoed, and Hijikata grunted. Though painful, it really was not nearly as bad as when he had to hear it in person.

“Yeah?”

 _“You sure you got the name right?”_ the upper management demon said with a hint of doubt in its voice – if that was even possible.

“It’s what he said,” Hijikata’s demon replied. “He doesn’t even remember his death yet properly. A total freshie.”

 _“We have no Hijikata Toshiro scheduled to die around this time,”_ the upper management demon said in a disgruntled manner.

“Well, fuck me,” Hijikata’s demon said. “Did you check for any other Hijikata Toshiro? Within a reasonable human’s lifespan?”

 _“There was one scheduled to die in about thirty years,”_ there was a throaty chuckle. _“If that’s him, we’re screwed.”_

“Why?”

 _“You know how every now and then there’s a sucker who doesn’t even get a tour through this place?”_ the voice on the phone was growing more and more unhappy. _“Yeah. He’s not supposed to be here. At all.”_

“Shit. That ain’t great.”

 _“Pfssht. You’re fine, you were just reassigned.”_ The demon of Level 8 sighed. _“It’s us who have to guard our asses now. I don’t know who fucked up the paperwork, but…”_ There was a momentary pause. _“Hey.”_

“What?”

_“How about… I fix you a… a vacation, and you can amuse this guy until his time is up? And then we just send him upstairs like a premium package?”_

Hijikata saw his demon look around the walls and ceiling. “Sure,” it said after a while. “I’m down.”

_“Perfect. It’s only around thirty years, but…”_

“No, it’s fine. A short break like this is nice every now and then,” the demon said. “Talk to you later.” With that, it tossed the slime back up to the ceiling with an audible _splat_. Then, it turned to Hijikata. “Sorry about that,” it said.

Hijikata shook his head – the only gesture he was able to do without difficulty. “Since this means that I won’t be tortured…”

“Nah.” The demon came closer. “I thought it was strange, though. No wonder you’re not scared – you have no reason to be here. You’re too pure for that.” It leaned in and took a deep breath. “Hey,” it said, “is it possible you died a virgin?”

Hijikata choked on his spit. “ _What_?”

“You smell good,” the demon said. Then, to Hijikata’s disgust, it licked up his face. Its tongue was massive, and it ended up slathering viscous saliva across Hijikata’s cheek. “Yup, that’s a virgin if I ever tasted one,” it nodded.

“I—” Hijikata’s mouth gaped open, but no matter how hard he tried to deny it, he couldn’t say a word.

“Nu-uh, Hijikata-kun,” the demon chuckled. “Humans can’t lie down here.”

“So what, now you’re gonna eat me?” Hijikata growled.

“Oh, I’ll eat you right up,” the demon took a small step back. “Not in this form, though. That wouldn’t be nearly as much fun for you. So, how is it that you haven’t gotten laid, ever? Aren’t you pretty handsome by human standards? Is it a religious thing?”

“I’m—” Hijikata clenched his teeth. He couldn’t lie, but he didn’t _have_ to say anything, did he?

“You know,” the demon said, stretching, “I’m not going to judge you. Or what, were you unable to get it up while you were alive?”

“I’m… I _was_ …” Hijikata hesitated.

The demon looked him in the eye again, and for a moment, it felt as though those burning gems peered into the core of his soul. “Aha,” the monster said then. “So you prefer guys?”

Hijikata looked away.

“Well, that’s fine,” the demon said. “I’ve got just the thing for you.”

There was a poofing sound. With it, the agonized sounds leaking in from the outside suddenly cut off, too, and there was blissful silence instead. The smell permeating the air was not nearly as unbearable anymore, either.

“How’s this?” the demon said – in a completely different voice.

Hijikata turned his head that way again.

In place of the demon, there was a man standing, naked save for a piece of cloth wrapped around his hips. His skin was pale and appeared soft to the touch, his hair was white and curly, the amount of muscle on him was _just right_ – only the red gleam in his eyes would give away that just moments ago, he was the stuff of nightmares.

“This is better, isn’t it?” the demon said, coming closer.

“What are you doing?” Hijikata narrowed his eyes.

“I told you, I’m going to eat you up.” The demon freed Hijikata’s ankles. There was a mechanical click, and the support under Hijikata’s legs disappeared; startled, Hijikata pulled his knees up to his chest.

The demon stepped in, gently pushing Hijikata’s knees apart. Hijikata could feel himself getting red; even if the demon said that he – or at that point, _it_ – wasn’t going to judge him, there was a hint of shame Hijikata simply couldn’t get rid of.

“It’s been a while for me,” the demon said, “but I’ll do my best.” Slowly, his palms slid down Hijikata’s inner thighs towards his crotch.

Hijikata closed his eyes. He had touched himself countless times during his life, of course, but he had zero experience doing this with anyone else. He hissed when he felt a pair of hands come in contact with his dick; moments after, the demon’s tongue, hot and wet, licked up his shaft.

Hijikata’s toes curled briefly, and he bit his lip. He enjoyed this new sensation, but he didn’t want to let it show.

Too bad he couldn’t lie.

His skin was sensitive, so even the lightest graze was electrifying.

He got hard quickly under the demon’s attentive touches, and though he was no longer among the living, he could feel his heartbeat speeding up. The demon’s fingers somehow knew how to find all the best spots, and as the demon’s tongue joined them, Hijikata’s cheeks grew hotter.

When something brushed against his rear, he let out an unsteady breath. He couldn’t think straight, and he knew he was getting incredibly red in the face; his legs were shivering a little and he had no control over it.

“Shh, it’s just fingers for now,” the demon said soothingly as his fingertips came in contact with the one place not even Hijikata had properly explored.

Hijikata clenched his teeth, grunting upon being slowly entered. The finger going in was slick, and Hijikata didn’t want to ask where that lubricant came from or what it was; it _could_ have been the demon’s saliva, though.

It was frustrating that Hijikata couldn’t even raise his head properly to look at whatever was going on between his legs. There was a hand around his dick, going at a slow pace, and there was a tongue lapping at his precum. Another finger entered him without warning, and he whimpered. The stretch he felt made him tingle, sparking a desire for more. His breath gradually grew heavier.

Swallowing hard with his tongue sticking to the roof of his mouth, he opened his eyes, but it didn’t matter because he was not looking at anything. He realised that he had subconsciously spread his legs a little wider, but if the demon knew, he chose not to comment on it.

His restrained body jerked violently against the shackles when the demon’s fingers poked _something_ inside; it wiped his vision and his mind completely blank for a moment, and only after a good few seconds did he realise that _that_ was his prostate.

When the demon added a third finger, a strained sound fought its way out of Hijikata’s throat. It was a little louder than whatever he didn’t manage to hold back previously, and there was a small chuckle from the demon.

“What’s…” Hijikata let out through his clenched teeth, “so funny?”

“Nothing,” the demon replied and loomed over Hijikata so that they could see face to face. His pupils were dilated, face flushed and as he bent over, his long tongue momentarily hung so low its tip touched Hijikata’s lips. When he spoke again, that tongue retracted back inside of his mouth. “Just thinking that if that’s your reaction now,” he said, “then I can’t wait for your reaction when I actually put it in.”

“You’re… gonna do that?” Hijikata said and he _hated_ that it was hope his voice slightly trembled with.

“Of course,” the demon smiled, thrusting his fingers deep into Hijikata’s ass and watching him squirm helplessly. “That’s the whole point, isn’t it?”

With that, he disappeared from Hijikata’s vision again, and his mouth clung to the tip of Hijikata’s dick once more, as if he wanted to drink from it.

Hijikata’s eyes rolled back as his eyelids fluttered shut again. Gritting his teeth, he suppressed another moan; his legs were aching now and though he knew that it was because he was spreading them a bit too wide, he couldn’t bring himself to relax them. The fingers up his ass were moving in a way that was making his mouth dry. He tried to move against them at least a little, arching his back desperately. His skin was burning hot.

“Aren’t you eager,” the demon chuckled. He pulled his fingers out, and whilst gently massaging Hijikata’s dick, he leaned in again. “Want me to put it in now?”

Hijikata glared at him. He could only lie there with his legs akimbo and let the demon do whatever the hell he wanted, and yet the bastard had the gall to try and make him say it?

“Release me first,” he sifted through his clenched teeth. He didn’t want to be restrained anymore.

With a gleam in his eye, the demon released the shackles one by one. Hijikata sat up, rubbing his wrists; then, he finally looked at the demon properly to see him in all his glory.

He didn’t know if it was deliberate, but somehow the demon’s body was _just_ his type.

He swallowed hard.

The demon leaned in, his face only a hair’s width from Hijikata’s own. Hijikata inhaled silently; there was a strange scent, laced with a hint of something sweet. “What do I call you?” he asked.

“You heard my name,” the demon whispered.

“I did, and it almost made my brain implode,” Hijikata said with a smirk. “I need something my measly human brain can actually handle.”

“Alright,” the demon inched in, making Hijikata lean backwards, “you can call me…” there was a brief pause for thought, “… Gintoki.”

“Works for me,” Hijikata said, grabbing a fistful of the demon’s – _Gintoki’s_ – hair.

For a moment, they stared into each other’s eyes – then, their lips fused together in a hungry kiss. Hijikata closed his eyes yet again, letting the other conquer his mouth. He was leaning backwards, his whole body throbbing, and he felt that if the demon wasn’t going to put it in within the next ten seconds, he was going to do it himself, dammit.

Gintoki grabbed Hijikata’s legs and hooked them around his torso, then he turned around, leaning against the board Hijikata had been bound to. Hijikata’s arms wrapped tightly around his shoulders. Still mid-kiss, he pressed against the other, breathing heavily through his nose.

A pair of hands firmly squeezed his ass. His butt-cheeks got pulled apart, and Hijikata momentarily clenched his teeth so hard it hurt as something larger invaded him, involuntarily letting out a shaky moan.

For a moment, the only sensation he could feel was numbness. He tried to catch his breath, but couldn’t; his whole body felt paralyzed and it clung to the demon strongly at its own discretion. Clenching his teeth, he curled up and buried his face in the demon’s nape and breathed shakily, feeling his limbs cramping. Their sweaty skin was sticking together in a promise of things yet to come.

“You good?” Gintoki whispered breathlessly.

Hijikata bit his lip briefly. “Yeah.”

Gintoki’s teeth nibbled at his ear, and then the demon finally began moving his hips. Hijikata clung to him tighter, finding the other’s warmth reassuring. It surprised him a little, but he could feel the demon’s heartbeat, albeit faintly.

Gintoki’s grip on Hijikata’s ass became even tighter. Rather than picking up the pace, he moved in slow, deep thrusts, and yet somehow each and every single one of them made Hijikata’s head spin. He dug his fingernails into the other’s back, trying to keep silent.

The demon grabbed Hijikata’s wrists and made him let go, then he slowly leaned back until Hijikata was upright in his lap; with his palms clutching Hijikata’s hips, he said, grinning, “How about you move instead?”

“Cocky bastard,” Hijikata replied; his palms found their place on Gintoki’s taut stomach, and bracing himself against the demon _and_ the board below alike, Hijikata rose his hips slowly. It was embarrassing as all hell, yet exhilarating in a way; just the fact that he _could_ do this at will made him feel indescribably excited.

His nails left red traces on the demon’s stomach as he slowly clenched his fists, rocking his hips so that Gintoki’s dick would rub him at _just_ the right angle. The pale body below him provided enough support to allow him to do as he pleased, but he, inexperienced, did not know what to do _exactly,_ and so he soon found it a little… lacking. The heat he felt in the pit of his stomach demanded _more_.

He sped up a little, hoping to get what he wanted; though his teeth were still clenched, there were now small sounds escaping his mouth, and he had no control over that anymore. He could feel that his ass was wet and slick, and Gintoki’s dick was pulsing inside of him. Seeing the demon underneath him only added to his arousal; the demon’s eyes were ablaze, cheeks reddish and lips parted, and clearly he was at least as much into this as Hijikata was. His stomach muscles were convulsing with each thrust of Hijikata’s hips, dancing under his ivory skin.

Hijikata was aching to come, with his cock so hard it almost hurt, precum trickling from its tip, but he just _couldn’t,_ and it was driving him insane. He swallowed the saliva that had accumulated in his mouth, but even then he was sure some of it must have spilt out of the corner of his mouth when he strenuously spoke, “I want… I want you to, gh—” he shuddered and paused mid-thrust, “— to fuck me harder.”

The demon’s eyes widened, and he wrapped his arms around Hijikata’s torso; Hijikata cried out as Gintoki got up briefly, changing their positions without pulling out. Grabbing Hijikata under one of his knees, he said breathlessly, “Where did that coyness of yours go, huh?”

Hijikata did not reply; instead, he clumsily hooked his hands behind Gintoki’s neck and more or less managed to entwine his fingers together a moment before the demon started moving again.

Completely different from when they began, the thrust of the demon’s hips was rough and fast, so much so that Hijikata could feel himself getting bruised on the board underneath, but he didn’t even care. He’d long lost any kind of control over his voice, and he could hear it echoing in the room. The demon leaned in and lightly bit on Hijikata’s ear, neck, collarbone. Then, he wandered lower, and Hijikata threw his head back when teeth assaulted his nipple. One of Gintoki’s hands rose up to tease the other side, and to lightly scratch up and down Hijikata’s chest.

Then, briefly, it disappeared, and Hijikata let out a mildly disappointed sound. He wished for more of that kind of attention; just his ass wasn’t enough, and though Gintoki’s mouth was doing a good job as well, it…

“Fuck,” rolled off his lips when he felt that hand wrap tightly around his dick. If Gintoki did this, then… “Gintoki! W… Wait,” he pleaded shakily. He didn’t want it to end yet, but if Gintoki did all of that at once, then he was going to cum against his will.

The demon did not listen. On the contrary, the way he was moving his hand was mind-blowing, and Hijikata soon found himself losing the feeling in his hands and feet as he neared his orgasm.

When he came, his body stopped listening to him briefly and it trashed about in a vain attempt to handle all that just transpired. Gintoki held him down gently but strongly, not letting go until the uncontrollable twitching faded.

Hijikata gasped for breath, finally relaxing. He could feel liquid running down his stomach and abdomen, and it was clear like the brightest day just what it was.

He did not remember having come this hard in his entire lifetime. He was completely drained of strength and kind of numb, but at the same time it felt _amazing_ , and he felt extremely content.

The demon leaned in and with a hint of hesitancy, he connected their mouths in a soft kiss. Hijikata closed his eyes, simply letting it happen; the way the demon was out of breath as well was kind of cute, and though at the beginning he might have been a little reluctant to do this with Gintoki, those sentiments were long gone.

Their lips parted, and for several moments, they looked each other in the eye.

“That…” Hijikata let out, “That was amazing.” He was starting to feel a little sore now, but had no regrets; though the rough wood of the board they just fucked on might have bruised his back a little, it was definitely nothing he couldn’t handle. Screw passing on – if he could do this more often, he definitely wasn’t keen on leaving, and even the thought that he might ask Gintoki to be allowed to _stay_ crossed his mind briefly.

Gintoki, with his dick still buried deep in Hijikata’s ass, ran his fingers through Hijikata’s hair with a breathless chuckle. “Think you can do this for thirty-ish more years?”

**Author's Note:**

> yeet
> 
> my IG: @rison_iinekin


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